Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Clarification for all you ladies

It never ceases to amaze me the sheer volume of products it takes to maintain a woman.  Give a guy a bar of soap, a toothbrush and some deodorant and we’re good to go.  My wife on the other hand has an entire arsenal of salves, lotions, creams, scrapers, sanders, pluckers, pickers, pushers and on and on.  This brings me to my story.

The other day we were asked by a close friend to order something for them from Amazon because we have Amazon Prime.  This was not a problem and the product arrived a couple of days later.  The product that we ordered happened to a Clarisonic Mia.  The description of this new fangled device from the manufacturers web site is: “Clarisonic developed the sonic technology proven to gently yet effectively loosen dirt and oil to clear your pores. The Sonic Skin Cleansing System uses a patented sonic frequency of more than 300 movements per second to clean, soften and smooth your skin. In just 60 seconds a day, the micro-massage action cleans more than twice as effectively as manual cleansing.”  It’s a vibrating face brush.  It’s very similar to the Sonicare toothbrush, but for your face.

Now, astonishingly, my wife did not have one of these primping devices and was naturally drawn like a moth to a flame.  It arrived in the middle of the week and our friend happened to be out of town.  Jayna texted her to let her know her dreamy new device had arrived.  Our friend told her to give it a try and my wife certainly couldn’t resist that offer.  About 10 minutes later I was ordering another one from Amazon to replace the one Jayna had just confiscated.

A couple of days went by and I have heard nothing but how wonderful this wiggly brush is.  It’ really exhausting.  Then it started.

“OH Michael, you HAVE to try this!!!!  You won’t believe how amazing your skin will feel.”

Stop right there.  Guys don’t really give a damn how amazing their skin feels.  But the incessant nagging continued.

Tonight I was taking a shower and the little device was stacked among the plethora of bottles of god only knows what that Jayna keeps in the shower.  Really, we have this tree thing in the corner of our shower with 3 shelves.  All of them are full of various products, many of which I have never heard of.  I have a little caddy thing that hangs on the wall.  It has body wash, shampoo and shaving cream.  Three bottles.  That’s it.  Ok, I’m going to try this damn thing so I can tell her once and for all, WHATEVER…  So I take the cap off and then begin the search for some type of product to use with this device.  I find a tube of stuff that looks like something that someone would use for their face and squeeze a small blob into the middle of the brush and away I go.  I’m working in small circles like I presume you do and I’m starting to feel the effects of this device.  I move it up to my forehead and my cheek starts to burn.  That doesn’t seem right.  Oh well, power through.  By the time I finish with my face it feels like I am bleeding from the pores and someone just threw acid on my face.  Not to mention the fact that in the midst of all this, I got some of that crap in my eyes and they are burning.  Is my skin smooth, well yes, all be it thinner.  I didn’t even have to shave, I swear it just pulled all the whiskers out by the root.  After a few minutes of recovery I decide to check out what I put on that freakin brush.  Turns out it was a microdermabrasion product.  Apparently that isn’t necessary with the ultrasonic vibrating brush thingy.

As I’m drying off I’m thinking, now what the hell am I going to tell Jayna.  Maybe I just won’t say anything.  Then I see the “one step facial cleansing soap” on the rack.  Nice.

“Hey Jayna, do you use that Purity facial cleanser with that Clarisonic?”

“Yes, it’s wonderful isn’t it?”

“Oh, I’m sure it is.”

“What are you blogging about?”

So, as I said in the title, I would like to clarify something for women.  I don’t ever want to hear how disgusted you are because I can be ready to go in approximately 5 minutes, and it takes you HOURS.  All you have to do is open some cabinets and look around to see that the sheer complexity of your daily regimen couldn’t possibly allow you to be ready in under 3 to 5 hours.

I’m sure your wiggly shaky brush is wonderful.  I think I’ll stick with some soap and a washcloth.