Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Congratulations Ma’am, you’re giving birth to whale pirates.

We recently had an appointment with the “high risk pregnancy” doctor.  If you’ve never tried it before, you may be interested to know that if you are pregnant with twins you are instantaneously categorized as a high risk pregnancy.  Doesn’t matter if your regular OB sees any problems or not, you’re in that category.  Apparently they have super special high risk doctors for this very conundrum.  You see them in addition to your regular doctor at least a couple of times during your journey.  This was our first visit. 

Our regular doctor called us with the appointment and informed us that our ARRIVAL time was 1:15.  This was stressed numerous times, so we presumed it was very important we be there by 1:15.  Me being the perfectionist I am, I insisted we arrive by 1:10.  As expected we arrive and there is a mountain of paperwork to fill out.  Why is it that you give them a copy of your insurance card and then you have to provide your insurance information on the paperwork?  Note to doctors, you have our insurance card back there.  We don’t memorize this stuff people!  Ok, I’m done with that rant.  Jayna fills out the book of information they are asking for and returns it promptly to the window.  It’s 1:25, they should shuffle us back there at any minute.   Wrong.

I should pause briefly to explain the situation.  We arrive where we thought we should be to a very nice office with pleasant lighting, plants and comfortable seating.  Wow, this place is really nice Jayna and I say to each other.  Jayna approaches the desk and we are told we are in the wrong location.  The office we should be at is one floor down.  Ok, no problem, we head down the elevator.  Have you ever seen an asylum?  You know, drab grayish brown walls, solid wood doors with nothing but a number on a black and white tag.  That’s where we found ourselves.  We entered some double doors and looked around helplessly while two women at a gray steel desk looked at us like someone from the movie deliverance.  After observing my VERY pregnant wife for a moment one said, “I think you’re looking for the office two doors down on the right.”  I might have fainted if they said she had a pretty mouth.  Anyway, we thank them kindly and head down the hall.  We open the nondescript door to the doctors office and I swear I’m about knocked over by the smell of cigarette smoke.  I catch a quick glance from my wife and I immediately realize it’s not just me.  There are two adults, apparently a mother and daughter and two children in the waiting room.  I’m not sure who the children belong to but I’m not sure I care.  I can barely breathe.  Apparently one of the adults is a full fledged chain smoker, and I hope it’s not the pregnant one.  Back to the story, we fill out the appropriate paperwork and take our seats to wait out turn. 

Jayna and I begin fiddling with our cell phones.  There are no magazines or television.  That means the only entertainment we have is watching the two “adults” attempt to coral the very bored children.  I hear a faint moaning or something from the room next door.  Not sure what that is but it goes on for the remainder of the time in our waiting room.  I’m a little uncomfortable but what’s new?  It’s now 1:50, still in the waiting room.  Jayna and I are texting each other at this point.  Yes we’re sitting right next to each other, we’re being judgmental, what can I say?  It’s approximately 2:15 and we are finally called back to the exam room.  FINALLY, a reprieve from the smoke smell.  Wait, do you smell that?  DAMN, it’s in my clothes.  That’s jacked up, she wasn’t even smoking in there, she was just in the same room AFTER smoking.  They take the usual weight/blood pressure measurements and move us to an ultrasound room.  Again we wait.

A few minutes later the tech enters the room and explains what is about to happen.  “This is going to take a while to complete so if you are ever uncomfortable just let me know and we will move you to a move comfortable position”, she tells my wife.  “TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE SIR!”  She’s not nearly as friendly with me.  Geez lady, it’s off.

The exam begins.  Now, our doctor does an ultrasound every time we are at the office, so we are used to that but this ultrasound was and ultrasound to top all others.  I saw parts of my children I didn’t even know existed yet. 

“You see that spot sir, that’s your baby’s bladder.  That dark spot there, that’s the stomach.  And there, you see those dark gray spots, those are the kidneys.”

Um, ok.  I have to say, I can’t really tell the difference between that gray spot and that one, but if you say so.  They measured EVERYTHING. 
“This is the spinal fluid forming at the base of your baby’s brain.  Here is the actual brain.”

It goes on and on for what seems like hours.   They measure the length of leg and arm bones.  They take a complete picture of the spine.  We see pictures of their face with their mouth open and their tongue hanging out.

“Yes ma’am, they’re poking their tongue out at you for making me turn my cell phone off.”  I say on the inside.

She continues, “You see there, that’s a leg bone and that’s the other leg bone, and there.  Oh my.  He’s definitely a boy.”

“He get’s that from his daddy” I quip.

“Actually, that’s true sir, the male provides the gene that determines the sex of the baby.”

“That’s not exactly what I …… never mind".”

Ok, we finish with Baby A and move on to Baby B.   All the same measurements all the same processes.  It has now been a solid hour of measurements and I can tell my lovely wife is getting tired of laying there.  The tech informs us she is going to send all of these pictures to the doctor and she will review them before coming to see us.  It takes about 10 minutes to transmit all the photos. 

“Are you people still using dial up around here?”, again, on the inside.

We wait for approximately 20 minutes and the doctor finally comes to see us.  She does yet some more looking around with the ultrasound and then tells Jayna she can get up. 

“Well, they’re big babies.  If they keep growing like that they’re going to be huge for twins.”

I can see a glimpse of terror in Jayna’s eyes.  Cinderella was fairly large and I think one of the concessions of having twins was, “well, at least they will be smaller.”  Oh no.  That’s not how we roll.

We’re not only giving birth to two little pirates, apparently they are going to be the size of whales.  That’s right.  We’re having two little whale pirates.

And the saga continues.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Catchin’ Up

Ok, it’s been a minute since I posted last.  Sorry about that.  Things have been a little hectic around here.  I’m sure that is about to get worse, but for now my nesting wife is keeping me plenty busy.  I am attempting to help her with her efforts because she won’t sit still for more than about four nanoseconds.

So here’s the run down on our life since we last met.


As many of you know I had LASIK surgery.  To say the least this was probably one of the best and most nauseating decisions I had ever made.  People poking on my eye balls gives me the heeby jeebs.  I arrived the day of the surgery and they gave me the little pill.  Let me reiterate, LITTLE, pill.  I was only mildly stoned when my name was called for my turn under the laser.  This was somewhat disappointing as I was hoping for a full blown memory erasing, drooling experience.   But no, I was muddled at best.

The doctor calls my name and I saunter into the operating room.  They sit you down and look through the little eye doctor thing and put little marks on your eye balls.  Not real sure what for, but they do it.  Then they lay you down on the operating table/couch/chaise lounge thing.  This particular reclining device is on a pole sit they can swing you back and forth between the two lasers.  They swing you under the first laser, lower a little ring down over your eye and instruct the nurse to apply suction.  I should probably add that they have numbed your eyes prior to this procedure but it still isn’t exactly what I would call pleasant.  And the drugs certainly didn’t eliminate all the anxiety.  As soon as the suction is applied, your vision goes gray.  You can’t see anything but the light.  The doctor tells you to remain very still and holds both sides of your head.  Really?  You holding my head with your hands is going to do the trick?  I’m a little scared.  The doctor, in a very calming and relaxing voice, repeatedly says “hold, hold, hold” while the nurse is counting down for what seemed like 45 minutes.  The doctor then tells me, and I quote:

“That’s a beautiful flap.”

I felt a little dirty.  It reminded me of some one liner I would have used on some unsuspecting girl at the bar in my younger days.  I think it’s probably easy to see why it took me so long to find a bride.

The doctor cut the flap on my other eye ball and swung me under the other laser.  At this point the suction device had been removed from my eye balls and the flap was flipped back waiting to be “lasered”.  A little orange light is blinking above.  The doctor instructs me to focus on the light.  The light goes from what appears to be in focus to nothing more than a blurry blob.  The laser whirs and spins up and starts snapping.  It does this about 15 times and with each pulse, the light becomes more focused.  It’s really kind of cool.  The doctor then lays the flap down and smoothes it out with a little spatula looking tool and repeats the process with the other eye.  A grand total of roughly 10 minutes from the time I entered the operating room, I leave with 20/20 vision.  They give me a sleeping pill and send me on my way.  I am SOOOOOO glad that’s over.

New Job (kind of)

As many of you know, I have started a new job.  Well, I have started a different job.  Well, I went back to SemGroup.  While I really miss everyone I worked with at CNE, I feel like I am in the right place for myself and my family.  This was quite possibly the strangest first week of any job I had ever started.  I am sitting in the same cube, with the same computer, the same phone number, the same email address, basically the same job.  It was like I never left, thanks to Tina viciously guarding my computer like she knew I would someday return.

Growing a baseball team

We recently had a doctors appointment.  As you might remember from a previous post, we are having twin boys.  Now, twins scare the bejeezus out of me as it is, but twin boys?  Oh dear.  I was kind of holding out hope that maybe the doctor was wrong.  I’m not sure what I was hoping for but let me say this, we are DEFINATELY having twin boys.  And they’re not afraid to prove it.  I suppose it’s time to reconcile that fact and prepare for the tornado that is about to descend on our home.  I joke that having a girl is like having a little pirate running around the house all day, but I suspect I’m about to experience the true definition of pirate.  And there will be two of them.

The little buggers are some active little suckers too.  Every time we have an ultrasound they look like they are riding bicycles or something.  Mom is starting to feel them as little muscle spasms.  She is convinced that in a couple of months she will be cursing them on a regular basis.  At this point Shrek likes to sit on her hip bone and Donkey is fond of head butting her in the ribs.

Another Year Older

My birthday is quickly approaching.  Cinco de Miko, as coined by my CNE brethren, is just around the corner.  I came in from work this afternoon and there was a large box with a bow tied around it sitting on the coffee table.  Jayna tells me happy birthday and points to the box on the table.  She informs me that it’s from Cinderella and that she picked everything out herself.  At this point my beautiful daughter is opening the box saying,

“Look what I got you daddy.”

“Well thank you sweetheart, what is it.”

“I don’t know daddy, let’s find out.”

Jayna looks confused and betrayed at this point.  I help the little one finish opening my gift and unpack what is inside.

4 High Ball Glasses, 4 Double Old Fashioned Glasses and a Wine Decanter.

I think she has a fairly accurate insight into what is about to happen to our family.

Have a good evening all and I will try to do better with the frequency of my posts.